


kentucky fried christmas

by justjoy



Series: 10% civil 90% war (or, the marvel au) [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Magic Kaito, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: (...happy holidays 2k17?), (something something random grab-bag of scenes i guess), Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Aoko!POV, Gen, Heiji!POV, Kazuha!POV, Shinichi!POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-15 00:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13019307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjoy/pseuds/justjoy
Summary: Two supersoldiers, a flying man, and a spysassin walk into a – oh wait, sorry, wrong joke.(Or, anything's a joke AU if you try hard enough.Anything.)





	1. #1: how to get rickrolled in russian

**Author's Note:**

> exactly as it says on the tin, enjoy (?)

 

It goes something like this: Kazuha doing the grand favour of updating the guys about all the good food they've been missing out on worldwide (by virtue of being stuck in an icecube and Japan respectively) over a late takoyaki lunch.

( _Honestly_. Cap she can understand, since the future's probably foreign enough of a country to begin with, and SHIELD had kept him busy enough with ops – Kazuha would know, she'd been with him for two-thirds of them – but what's Heiji's excuse?

And after they'd basically gone on a mini world tour looking for the Soldier, too. What a waste, jeez.)

Ran had started out quietly listening, but Kazuha's totally pretending not to notice how she's warming up to the topic and contributing every now and then, switching to English and back whenever she can't find the words.

Super mission success, Kazuha decides, as she proceeds to expound on the best eateries in Moscow.

"There was that..." Ran begins haltingly, and frowns a little in the way she does when she's trying to recall something fuzzy. "Cabbage roll? With stuffing inside?"

"Oh, golubtsy!" Kazuha grins. "Ya should try the one near the Kremlin, it's got _crayfish_ inside – "

"How– wh–" Heiji splutters at the same time. _"Why do you speak Russian."_

There's a moment of complete silence.

"Don't be a birdbrain, Falcon," says the Black Widow, voice dry as a Siberian winter. "I'm a superspy, of _course_ I speak Russian."

Across the table, the Winter Soldier raises an arm – the metal one – and Kazuha fistbumps her without even looking.

"Я очень рад," chimes in the good Captain from beside her, and Heiji's head hits the table with an audible thunk.

Kazuha grins, triumphant, and reaches over to steal the last takoyaki from his plate.

("I remember when I used to be the most badass person around," Heiji laments to the tabletop.

"Really?" Kazuha says, voice wholly unsympathetic. "'Cause I'm older than ya, Heiji, and unless ya were around during the 1940s – ")

 

* * *

 

 

(Cap does not know Russian, though if the SHIELD scientists' theories about the serum effects are correct he'd probably have a easier time learning than most everyone else.

Kudo Shinichi, however, _does_ know two certain someones who are more than willing to teach him a phrase or two just to mess with people.

Or specifically Hattori Heiji, in this particular situation.

Whatever. Kazuha thinks it's pretty worth the effort, overall.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [don't say i didn't warn you](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igDaieI_T-4)


	2. #2: how to (not) get your ass kicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We came here to have a good time and we’re feeling so attacked right now, it’s great.
> 
> (i mean, does it count if that’s your day job anyway?)

 

It's one week after the Chitauri attack when Shinichi gets a message from Widow asking him to head over to the Tower's training room.

(A week after an actual  _alien attack_  on Tokyo, which – Shinichi's still trying to process that on top of everything else, but at least, if he still had any doubts over whether he's actually in the future or having some really weird hallucinations from hypothermia... his imagination can definitely do better than big ugly monsters from the sky.

The future, Shinichi decides, is highly questionable.)

He arrives at the room – which is mostly a well-reinforced basement with unusually high ceilings, as far as he can tell, though at least it escaped damage in the attack – to find Miyano in the Iron Lady armour, doing figure-eight loops several inches off the ground in her suit while Toyama hangs from her shoulders, poking single-handedly at her handphone.

"I hope you didn't summon me here to watch more 'cat videos' together, Widow," Shinichi says dryly, since he's fairly certain that's what they're doing. "I'm not sure we're both going to fit."

"Oh, I don't know, Cap." Toyama spares him a considering glance before hopping off in a neat backflip to land on her feet. "Take that shield off your back, and we just might?"

Miyano makes a sound disturbingly close to an annoyed cat, which is even more disconcerting over the distortion of the suit's speakers. "I'm not your personal flight attendant, Toyama-san, hire a pilot if you want one."

Toyama waves one hand, airily. "Eh, SHIELD doesn't pay me enough for that. Anyway, I thought we could get some fight practice in, Kudo-kun, I'm sure you did that during the war."

He frowns. "Yeah, we did, but wasn't I supposed to be helping the crews downtown today?"

"I sent Dum-E and a couple of the other lab robots over, they're not supersoldiers but I'm going to scrap them if they can't lift rubble," quips Miyano, still in her usual robot impression. "Full offense, Cap, but you fight like someone out of the forties. It's bad for our image."

"Really?" Shinichi crosses his arms, and deliberately does not reach for his shield. "Says the civilian who doesn't know how to throw a proper punch."

("Ooh,  _burn,_ " he hears one of the air vents in the wall whisper in Hawkeye's voice, just past the edge of hearing.

...well, non-serum-enhanced hearing, that is.

Possibly non-robot-enhanced hearing too, judging by the narrow eyed glare he's fairly certain is being directed that way from behind the faceplate.)

"Stop encouraging them and get out here, Kuroba," Toyama tells the vent as she moves to put herself between them – which is more impressive than it sounds, since between the serum and flying armour they both have a good dozen centimetres on her, at least. "You both have good points, which is why Miyano's going to be working with Hawkeye on how not to rely just on laser-beaming everyone while I educate Cap on all the weapons they've invented since the 1940s. Any questions?"

"It's a repulsor, not a  _laser!_ " Miyano protests, over the sound of a metal grating being pushed aside.

"I dunno, Miyano," Kuroba says as he drops out of the vent to land lightly on his feet. "Kinda looks the same to the rest of us without multiple PhDs?"

Shinichi rolls his eyes. "Did you really need us both here at the same time for that, Toyama?" he cuts in before the argument goes any further, because it's perfectly valid question.

There's a clear logic behind each exercise – Widow's a close-range fighter like him, while Hawkeye uses ranged weapons (though he's been tempted to point out that they hadn't used arrows even back in his war), so it's as good a matchup as they're probably going to get.

Except.

Widow hums in a manner that is not at all suspicious.

"Oh, yeah, then we're gonna have a double battle, go a few rounds," she says. "Build some team spirit, y'know?"

Miyano flips up her faceplate, her expression making it very clear that no, she did  _not_  know, thank you very much. Her gaze flicks quickly between Shinichi to Toyama and back again. "Against the two of you?"

Shinichi gets a distinct premonition of impending doom right before Widow says: "No, against the two of  _you_."

A beat of silence.

"What," Shinichi says flatly.

"You  _traitor,_ " Miyano hisses at the same time, looking betrayed. "I assume you just conveniently forgot to mention that part earlier?"

"Wouldn't be the first time it happened to ya, would it?" Toyama grins, blatantly cheerful, and strides over towards Shinichi. "Now, don't go easy on me, Cap. Can't have ya losing this round, now can we?"

 

* * *

 

 

They've moved from knives (familiar) to guns (still mostly familiar, do they think he's a medieval knight or something) to grenade launchers ("I'm  _kidding_ , Cap, I wouldn't fire that in here") to  _all the other fun stuff_  (Toyama's words, not his) when he slips up.

He's raising the shield to fend off a pair of wicked-looking batons when a tiny metal disk lands on his arm with a  _zzaaaaap_  and Shinichi's already flinching, instinctive, bracing himself for a shock that –

– doesn't come.

He chances a look around the shield to see Widow smirking back at him, the bracelets that he vaguely remembers from the Chitauri attack sparking blue on her wrists. "Next one won't be a dud, Cap. I  _did_  warn ya about holding back."

"Oh yeah?" Shinichi grins back something fierce, adrenaline buzzing in his ears. "You wanna go, Widow?"

And Toyama launches herself into the air like she's got springs for legs, delivers a solid two-footed kick on the shield that actually pushes him back a step, and sticks the landing without a hair out of place. "Sorry, did ya say something, Kudo-kun?"

( _"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT,"_  Hawkeye hollers gleefully from across the room.

"Shut up before I  _laser_  you," Miyano hisses.)

 

 


	3. #3: how to get punk'd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why did the falcon cross the road? Aliens, probably. Or he forgot his wings.
> 
> (look, it _happens_ , okay)

The thing of the moment – possibly the month, Shinichi hasn't been keeping track – is giving out wildly contradictory and varyingly plausible accounts of how Widow met the Winter Soldier.

Case in point: they're just hanging around in one of the actual living rooms in the Tower (as opposed to labs or lab-adjunct spaces), minding their own respective businesses, when Hakuba asks "So I heard from Kuroba-kun that you actually met Ran-san before this, Kazuha-chan?" apropos of nothing.

(Knowing the relationship – or rather, notable lack thereof – between those two, Shinichi's fairly certain "heard" is probably an overly generous term for whatever actually happened.

Also, he's suddenly and inordinately glad that Falcon is off running some emergency drills with the JSDF. Wherever this conversation is headed, no day is worth ruining with accidental Hulking just because Hattori decided to punch Hakuba for being overly... solicitous, or whatever this was.)

"Hm? Oh, yeah." Kazuha doesn't bother uncurling herself from her weird human pretzel shape on the couch, probably intended to make the gods of ballet weep. "It was at a super-assassin thrift store, we both grabbed the same set of clothes."

"A  _thr–_ "

Kazuha blatantly steamrollers over the interruption and into a human Gordian knot. "Ya know how it is, impossible to find good clothes to murder people in these days..."

Ran looks up from where she's sharpening her favourite pair of throwing knives. "Pockets," she intones, gravely.

"Exactly!" Kazuha nods vehemently, mostly upside-down by this point. "It's like some kind of conspiracy, I swear – jeez, what's a girl gotta do to get a hem wide enough to hide a garrotte wire in – "

(Shinichi has to leave the room before Hakuba sees him laughing.)

 

 


	4. #4: how to start your day right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can wake up at six, and those who find it easier to just stay up all night.
> 
> (or, the ~~occupational hazards~~ side benefits of a metal arm)

Heiji wakes up to the sight of the Winter Soldier making breakfast in his kitchen, every move eerily silent.

He tries – and fails, probably – to shuffle over just as quietly to the counter, where Kudo is valiantly trying (and _definitely_ failing) not to fall asleep in his coffee.

(Not that Heiji can blame him, honestly, he's fairly certain that Kudo has been running on fumes and adrenaline and – oh, don't forget – weirdass supersoldier biology for the past month.)

"Oi, Kudo," Heiji whispers, and pokes him a few times for good measure.

"Mrhnlgh," says the icon of Truth, Justice, and the Nocturnal Way, face mashed firmly into his sleeve.

Which is patently unfair. Heiji wants coffee, but he also wants to _not_ venture into the unknown-possibly-hostile zone that is currently his kitchen. It's too early for murder, even for him. "She always been like that?"

"Who, Ran?" Kudo deigns to look up for a bit, as if it isn't already clear who he's referring to – although, okay, Kazuha's a spook these days so one never really knows. "Yeah, she likes cooking. Knife thing's a bit new though. And the hand."

...right.

Heiji briefly contemplates internalising the concept of the world's deadliest assassin doing some teppanyaki-style knife show with one hand while flipping pancakes barehanded with the other.

Benefits of a mostly heat-resistant hand, he supposes.

Also, Heiji really hopes those knives haven't stabbed anyone. They definitely _aren't_ from his kitchen, and he doesn't think those poor fruits have done anything to deserve that treatment.

He's jerked out of his reverie (and fine, maybe he _Is_ a bit more tired than he thought) by a metal hand plonking down first a mug of coffee, then a bowl of the aforementioned fruits.

The Winter Soldier stares back at him unblinkingly, and speaks in a near-monotone. "Breakfast will be ready in five minutes, Hattori-kun."

Heiji nods, slowly, and takes a wedge of apple from the bowl.

This appears to satisfy her, since she transfers the stare of impending doom to Kudo, who only mumbles "but _Raaan_ " in a pouty sort of voice.

The stare ( _100% death guaranteed or your money back!_ Heiji can't help but think, trying to chew on his apple as quietly as possible) gains an edge of a frown, before –

"Eat your damn fruits, Shinichi," says Mouri Ran, and wow Heiji definitely can see the whole Kudo's-childhood-friend-maybe-girlfriend thing now. "Or I'll paint your shield hot pink. _With glitter stars._ "

Kudo makes a strangled noise of alarm at that and reaches – or flails, more like – for the fruit bowl, while Heiji thinks about how this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

As long as Kazuha doesn't get to her first, that is.

 

 


	5. #5: oh, how the tables turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt your regularly-scheduled programming to bring you –
> 
> (or: an alternative history)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [fair warning: short but serious ~~for once~~ ]

 

The posters call her Lady Liberty.

The Howling Commandos call her Cap, whatever noises the Army still makes about her rank being purely decorative (even though she'd surely earned it thrice over by now), although Morita sometimes says _Nakamori-san_ when they're on a rare shore leave. It's nice, to hear something familiar, so Aoko doesn't mind.

Then there's Kaito, who calls her Aoko when they're off-duty and Ahoko when he's trying his damnedest to pretend that they're the same kids they were before going to war.

(That last part, Aoko minds, but Kaito hadn't let her in after his father died and he certainly isn't going to now.) 

 

.

 

And then, of course, no one calls her anything anymore, because the dead do not speak and Aoko is seventy years too late to hear them anyway.

 

* * *

 

 

"He's a ghost story, Nakamori-san," Akako had said at the hospital, after Aoko crashed through a dozen stories of the Triskelion with ice in her bones and tears in her eyes, and later she will look back and wonder if she'd ever stopped falling, on the way. 

 

.

 

Aoko's been in a lot of fights: against the same illness that took her mother, against bullies thrice her size, against a hallway full of enemy operatives armed with nothing but the contents of a broom closet.

Aoko _knows_ how to fight, knows it like breathing, and yet –

"Who the hell is Kaito?" says a man with the face of her best friend, with the voice that she still hears screaming in her dreams, and Aoko thinks: _anything, anything but this._

The shield doesn't fall from her numb fingers, but it's close.

 

.

 

( _A phantom,_ Widow had said, her hair burning bright red like a beacon in the dark, but neither of them had expected this shadow to haunt her so.

Because she had been right: the Winter Soldier is Aoko's very own ghost story, but perhaps Kuroba Kaito is _his_. Perhaps both of them are ghosts, now.

Aoko lets go, and the shield tumbles, falls – )

 

 


	6. #6: how to blend in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fashion is in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> (or, the importance of an impartiality clause)

 

"It's cute how you two consider these as  _disguises,_ " Kazuha says almost fondly, patting Shinichi's hair (fine, he'd done a bad job of hiding the cowlick) before snapping a photo to show him.

Which – okay, he'd picked the fake glasses on a whim, but Shinichi also quite likes them, actually. And he happens to think that he looks pretty good in them too, so this all seems rather uncalled for.

(Also, he's seen the Black Widow, internationally-renowned spy, sound just as fond about good food and particularly cute animal videos. It falls under the category of information he doesn't quite know what to do with.)

"Well, yeah, the outfit's not too bad overall, you can't go wrong with a vintage look," Widow adds, further confirming the conspiracy theory of her mind-reading powers. " _Except_  when you're supposed to be blending in with the crowd. Not bad for your first try, though, Cap. Now  _Falcon_  here, on the other hand..."

Shinichi tunes out the ensuing tirade about camo print  _not_  counting as a diguise,  _Heiji,_  literally  _no one_  but you wears  _camo_  with everything – which is why he notices the familiar figure in the crowd first.

Hattori looks over distractedly when Shinichi waves. "Oh, hey, isn't that the Nakamori neech-"

He can literally  _see_  the moment when Hattori realises his fatal error. It's entertaining.

Ran walks over to them while Hattori's still trying to process having mistaken 'scary assassin' for 'considerably less scary science assistant'.

(It's the first time he's seen her in one of these modern dresses, Shinichi registers automatically, not to mention the heels. Hattori's right, though, the outfit looks like it could've come right out of Aoko's wardrobe.

Which he supposes is the point. Between the dress and the heels, Ran looks like an entirely different person, though Shinichi's fairly certain she could still fight perfectly well if she needed to.)

"Watch and learn, boys," says Kazuha, sounding almost gleeful, "now  _this_  is what I call a proper disguise."

"Hi!" Ran smiles at them, a little tentatively. She's holding herself differently, too – Shinichi chalks it up to the lack of combat boots. "Is Kazuha-chan giving you two a hard time?"

"The  _worst_ ," Hattori deadpans beside him. "Help me out here, neechan, Kazuha won't believe that people were wearing camo print in the 1940s – "

"We weren't," chorus Shinichi and Ran in unison.

A beat of silence.

"I like your dress," he blurts out over the sound of Hattori's mutter ("it's  _really_  creepy when they do that, ya know"), but Ran doesn't get to reply before Kazuha's pulling her away.

"No bribing the judges, Kudo-kun!" she calls over her shoulder. "Me and Ran-chan here are gonna enjoy some coffee while you two try to put together something that we can't spot in five seconds!"

"This," Hattori grouses once Kazuha's out of earshot, "is like the  _worst_  game of hide-and-seek.  _Ever._ "

(His phone pings with two texts from her, in quick succession.

_at least you have a chance of winning this one, heiji!_  says the first one.

_i mean, like... maybe...? idk_  says the second.

Hattori's entire expression settles into lines of grim determination as he reads, and Shinichi doesn't even get a chance to protest before he's being dragged along in his wake. "Time ta go shoppin', Kudo. I'm gonna make Kazuha  _eat her words_  for lunch, just ya wait.")

 

 


	7. #7: how the west was won

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't fight _everyone_.
> 
> (or, the civil wars of salt.)

"They're not  _Accords,_ " Shinichi says scathingly, "if we don't all agree to them, Miyano."

She crosses her arms. "I didn't say anything because I knew this would happen! This is for everyone's sake, including our own – "

"No, this is you trying to run from responsi–"

They both don't jump at the sound of someone slamming their hands on the table. Almost.

"We," Hattori enunciates carefully into the sudden and absolute silence, "are  _not_  doing this. We go down this road, and it all ends with the two of you killing each other in a bunker. In Siberia."

That's... oddly specific, Shinichi thinks.

Everyone's staring at Hattori in surprise except Kazuha, who merely looks thoughtful.

(And Koizumi, who looks... intrigued? Although Shinichi's going to pretend he didn't see that, because the implications of the Scarlet Witch being interested are just – no. He is  _not_  dealing with that.)

It's also Kazuha who breaks the silence, unsurprisingly enough. "Heiji's right, we can't afford to be divided on this."

"Because you're always on his side, Toyama-san?" Miyano asks, tone acidic.

"Not on this one," Kazuha says blithely, ignoring Hattori's sudden expression of alarm. "But we still have some bargaining power, as a group. So either we all get on board with this and save what we can, or prepare to exist in defiance of the law in three days' time."

And the hell of it is, Shinichi knows logically that she's probably right, but he doesn't want to back down on this.

And  _then_  he suddenly remembers all the other times when Hattori's given him  _oddly specific_  warnings. Shinichi doesn't know how they'd end up in a bunker in  _Siberia_  of all places, but.

_Dammit,_  Shinichi thinks viciously, sitting back down at the table before pulling the Accords towards him like so much firewood and opening it to the first page.

(Of all the times to be thankful for those lessons Kisaki-san kept insisting on for him, Shinichi thinks with a sigh.)

And now everyone's turning to stare at  _him_  instead. Great.

It lasts about as long as it takes for him to neatly tear out the fifth page he reads.

"What – " Miyano begins over the sudden hubbub of noise.

"Third option. These," Shinichi says, voice flat, adding another newly-liberated page to the stack, "are the parts I can agree with. I figure it's more efficient than ripping out all the parts that I  _don't_."

"You don't get to pick and choose the law, Kudo-kun," she retorts, just as pointedly. "That's not how it – "

"Bunker in Siberia," interrupts Hattori very pointedly. "Very bad. Must avoid. No one's leaving until this gets sorted, we can order food in or something."

Miyano looks from him to Shinichi and back again, then sits down with an exasperated noise. "I have actual kitchens in this building staffed by culinary-trained robots, we're not doing this over  _pizza_. And for the record, I still think that this is a bad idea."

_Still not as bad as the Accords,_  Shinichi just about stops himself from saying, and turns the page instead.

It's going to be a long, long day.

 

 


	8. #8: how to ok google

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids these days, amirite?
> 
> (or, better late than never)

 

Shinichi pulls out his phone and pokes gently at the screen. "Excuse me, Google-san, can you – "

"The heck, Kudo," Heiji blurts. "You know that Google's a search engine, right, not an actual person?"

"You'll hurt Google-sensei's feelings talking like that, Hattori-kun," Ran says, reprovingly.

"You're hurting  _my_  feelings with this, Kudo-kun," Shiho says as she strides past, a box of circuit boards under one arm. "I make you a superstrength-proof phone with a custom AI, but you're still using that stock nonsense?"

"Trapping Agasa-hakase in a small box like that is cruel even for you, Miyano," Shinichi replies sagely. "Did you consider  _his_  feelings?"

"Oh my  _god,_ " says Heiji in despair.

 

* * *

 

 

("...they know, right," Kaito mumbles around the screwdriver he's holding between his teeth.

"They had pranks in the 1940s, Kaito, ya didn't invent them for the modern age," Kazuha says. "And ya better put that circuit board back real quick, or Shiho-chan's gonna realise that you're the one who's been makin' all the appliances play the Sherlock theme every time Hakuba's near."

"I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about, and I don't know how they can get along anyway." Kaito plugs in the soldering iron and turns it on. "Can you get me the coffee machine?")

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tldr note if anyone's wondering about the chapter numbering: 
> 
> i had two more rough ideas for this series but they ran away from me like very energetic bats on rising thermals, so they'll be posted as separate fics... whenever i actually finish them at least


End file.
